Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
