I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He better not be in your backpack
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
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