my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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