When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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