Capitaan dildo arrescate!
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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