I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
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He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
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I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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