I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
