Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
