your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
