You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Someone signed my nipple.
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