I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
