Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
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If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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