after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
