he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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