sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
