Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Ketchup is God's man juice
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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