just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
