Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
