mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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