i just wanna soil my oats bro
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Randomize
