you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
