There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
