You're so nebulous sometimes
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
