If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
