did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
