my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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