Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
