census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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