Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
