last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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