How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
