I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
