i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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