My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
