I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
