i already hear my dad disowning me
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
