I wish I could teleport
real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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