The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
