So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She told me I should be a condom model.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
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Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize