Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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