I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
