I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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