quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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