from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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