Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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