I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
