i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
