I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
