What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
