I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
