I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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