Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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