I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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