Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
