My room smells like vodka and shame
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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