I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
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Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
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I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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