wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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