my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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