dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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