Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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